People in a mall are a mob of narcotized shopping zombies. It’s your duty to liberate as many of these poor souls as you can from their perpetual role in this horror flick, Night of the Shopping Dead.
If you see someone sitting on a bench, accost them: “Get off that bench! Resume shopping! We’ve got a planet to consume!”
Always subvert the stupidity of the marketing campaigns. Go into the Gap and ask if the “1969” jeans have been on the shelf for 40 years.
Go into Victoria’s Secret where the pics of the barely postadolescent models wearing almost nothing are plastered everywhere on the walls and ask if this is the adult bookstore and can you have $5 in quarters.
When in a high-end store like Lord & Taylor stop right in the middle of that obnoxious gang of perfume-spritzing ladies in black, remove a booger from your nose and look at it with same pride that the woman in front of you has for that bottle of Channel No. 5 she just paid $50 for.
Another favorite tactic: As you pass this haute couture stink zone, wave your hand back and forth, pretend you’re passing out and shout, “Oxygen! Oxygen!”
Bring a pillow from home and stuff it in your shirt or under your coat. Smile at the security guards as you exit the mall.