McTerror

Courtesy of your favorite clown.

ANDREW CAMPBELL

Coulrophobia, the fear of clowns, has an unusually high incidence among young children. Psychologists attribute it to the melding of a clown’s grotesque features with human form. One clown, however, seems to inspire nothing but universal delight in his young fans despite his role in disfiguring “billions and billions” of human forms. A recent study tabulated by the US Center for Disease Control reveals that obesity now officially outranks smoking as the number one killer in the US and the group it’s most affecting is children. Over 30% of American children are classified as obese, putting them at risk for the kinds of diseases that traditionally plague middle-aged adults: heart disease, sleep apnea, diabetes and cancer. Though an increasingly sedentary lifestyle is partly to blame, overconsumption of food high in fat, sugar and salt is the primary culprit. Children weaned on a diet of cheap convenience – like the Happy Meals™ pimped by their favorite clown – are essentially programmed for a lifetime of unhealthy eating habits. And that’s the exact objective a fast-food chain like McDonald’s is trying to achieve, which explains why children are targeted so heavily in their marketing campaigns. Once hooked, children are customers for life. It seems clowns really are evil.

This is the reality, but what are we going to do about it? Is there any way to overthrow the clown?

Staff