he might be potbellied or lean, his flat screen television holds no prejudice. He guzzles fossil fuels without giving it a thought – driving fantastic feats of automotive mastery four blocks to the liquor store.

numbskull stimulation comes easy to this fellow – he loads up on UFC matches, Mariah Carey and Maury Povich. This might be forgivable, if not for the copious amounts of energy he uses – some 40 times more than anyone in the developing world.

this person of the year loves the hamburgers. Loves ‘em. He’s a hog of epic proportions, often needing two chairs to support his girth. Should the current obesity epidemic continue, squadrons of gastropods in motorized carts will be rolling around local food courts.

ten million people starve to death around the world every year. Does the Person of the Year care? Perhaps, but as only as a passing notion, a fleeting sympathy sparked by an article in Reader’s Digest, which is then quelled by taking a warm bath.

this person ignores standard methods of contraception, spawning generations in his likeness and spoiling the gene pool for years to come. Kudos, Person of the Year, and good luck to you. You’re probably going to need it.